Sunday, 18 January 2015

Internet dating - it's a jungle out there

I first dallied with internet dating back in 2010, when me and Lisa were freshies in London.  We set up profiles on Plenty of Fish (being careful to have random usernames so no one would be able to tell it was us) and sat back and waited.  Whilst she managed to find the love of her life after about 3 different dates, I am still waiting for my Prince.

My very first date was with a really nice but very shy guy back in August 2010.  I only really went on the date out of curiosity, I had my eye on someone else who wasn't from the internet and I was just biding my time until a he came to his senses and dated me.

We arranged to meet in Hyde Park and have a picnic, he was an hour late because he didn't realise the Jubilee line wasn't running that day.  I just sat in the park and read - it was a nice day and I didn't mind too much, probably because I knew I was never going to date this guy anyway.  The date was pleasant enough, but he was very quiet and I did all the talking.

My next date was 2 and a half years later.  I had broken up with the guy I was biding my time with, and signed back on to POF the day after we split, more as a big F U to him than actually wanting to find someone else.

I chatted to this tall, dark and handsome stranger (so his profile led me to believe), arranged to meet him the following weekend - and it was a disaster.  He was dark but certainly not tall or handsome - being only a few cm taller than me.  We went to a comedy club and the only jokes he laughed at were the incredibly sexist ones, and each time he laughed he grabbed my thigh.  We had nothing in common and he was difficult to talk to.  When the comedy finished I made my excuses and left, but not before he tried to walk me to the station, put his arm round my shoulders and somehow grabbed my boob.  He texted saying he wanted to see me again and I let him down semi-gently, which he seemed to accept, though two weeks later out of the blue he bootycalled me - I was a bit 'wtf' and he said 'but you said we could be friends, you're a strong independent woman, this is what people like you do'.  Errr no - and added him to the block list.

Fast forward two years and I've been on a dozen or so more dates.  Notable ones include:

Mr America - a  guy who had a strong American accent though he'd only spent 6 months working in the US.  Immediately irritated me and he was checking out my bum each time I turned round.  Nice enough but a mutual understanding it wasn't going anywhere.

Mr Irish - he was really sweet and we had a good 3 dates.  Unfortunately I lost interest somewhere between the 2nd and 3rd, went out the night before the 3rd date and turned up very hungover and with a love bite on my neck.  He was very annoyed I was so late (and possibly because of the love bite too) and barely spoke to me, we went to Nandos, I ordered the huge platter as I was starving (he insisted on paying, the fool!) then couldn't eat any of it as I felt sick at the sight of food.  Not my proudest moment. Understandably I never heard from him again AND the guy I got with 'liked me but didn't want to date me'.  Sigh, boys - 2, me - 0.

Mr Pushy - as a joke I went speed-dating with my friend from work.  We both got quite drunk and had an amusing time.  One guy caught my eye as he seemed normal and not desperate like some of the others.  I ticked him, he ticked me, and we met up, got very drunk together, snogged for 2 hours in a bar until I realised it was way past my bedtime and had started to sober up.  Unfortunately he was really pushy in wanting to come back to mine which immediately put me off him, and he never texted again so I guess he was only after one thing.

Mr Shit Shoes - we had been talking for a while and eventually met up after I came back from travelling.  First date was amazing - instant connection, and we got kicked out of the bar, talking for so long we didn't realise it was past closing.  Second date was not as fun for me, third date was great again and we sort of started dating. Unfortunately he went a bit mental over a miscommunication on whatsapp, and it ended as quickly as it'd begun.  I wasn't too bothered - he had a awful taste in shoes (seriously who wears smart leather loafers for EVERYTHING) and every now and then I did worry he might be gay.
*We once had an awkward convo about his shoes.  In his room I spotted a pair of Nikes hidden in the depths of his cupboard, so as subtley/innocently as I could I said "you know, if you wear smart shoes all the time just for me to like make a good impression, you don't have to you know, they don't look comfortable so you can wear trainers if you like".  Turns out it wasn't that subtle and he was all like 'err don't you like my shoes' to which I had to backtrack and pretend I did.

Out of all of my friends who've done online dating, the majority of them have found their life partners after only a couple of dates - I guess it works for some people, but not for me.  The idea of falling in love with a complete stranger freaks me out a little to be honest, and all of my past relationships have been with someone I already knew or a friend of a friend so they could be vouched for.  However I am not ready to uninstall the dating apps just yet, mainly for the laughs I get when I come across some people's profiles...take a look at some of these bad boys!

I have had to umm, edit, them slightly to protect identities and other items, as you'll see...

nice to see he's patriotic

Mate, I'm looking buff right now, take a pic of me with my hand down my pants yeah? That'll certainly get the ladies' attention

Dave is an exceptional story teller

I am pretty sure he's been reading all the tinder 'don't be a dick' buzzfeed articles

umm, whatever floats your boat, I guess

don't you just hate it when there's 3 people in the profile pic. which one is he?

posing in your pants is a sure fire way to get girls interested. not. 

yes - the bottle is covering his penis. yes, it is the size of the bottle. no, i didn't swipe right,

there are no words...

i am flattered, truly. 

can't even think of a caption. 

There you have it, a brief history of my internet dating.  Do you have any dating horror stories to share?

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