Mental Health

I experience mild depression.  I don't want to say I 'suffer' from it because I feel like that's giving it too much power and too much credence to something that other people experience in much greater volumes than I do. I guess also why I used the word 'mild'.

I think it's only become apparent in the last few months.  Triggered by the break up, but I think in reality it's sat there for a long time, a bit like British weather, an overcast day that I have just accepted as normal, but then there's a heatwave or spring or autumn or snow and everything is colourful and beautiful and exciting and then bam, it's back to overcast. 

The only way to describe the most recent bout is it feels like I am surrounded by dense grey fog, my brain doesn't feel happy and isn't functioning to its full potential.  Things I used to get pleasure from don't excite me anymore and I don't look forward to anything.  I struggle to pay attention to anything or recall things that happened at work or on the weekend.  I wonder if one of the reasons I got so affected by the weather in the Blue Mountains over the New Year and had to leave was that it was like the weather was replicating my emotions so accurately it was scary.   Maybe this is also why I hate the darkness and dullness of the winter. 

Growing up I've experienced periods of grey but I have always put it down to waking up on the wrong side of the bed, or hormones, or something more 'normal' and socially acceptable than depression.  When it's bad it's always triggered by something. I've been doing some self exploration and trying to recount the times when it's been the worst.  Bizarrely when I was 15 I had a really tough time with my dad being an absolute dick and so I have been trying to attribute it to that, but I just don't remember feeling bad about it.  I was in the middle of my GCSEs and I think maybe I just used that as a distraction and powered on through and tried not to think about it too much. Or maybe I've just buried all the emotions I experienced at the time deep inside and never actually processed them.  Or maybe I was just more resilient back then.

I've not wanted to live three times in my life.  There was a time in London when my relationship wasn't going well and I was bored of my job and stuck in a rut and generally not happy with my life and I would wait on the platform for the tube to come and I would imagine what it would be like if I just stepped in front of the train.  Obviously I never did it as I'm still here and I don't think I was close to doing it, but it was scary to have those thoughts coming into my brain and to entertain them.   The next time was the night Aric broke up with me.  The devastation I felt that my life was crumbling around me was almost too much to bear and I knew he had a medicine cabinet filled with over the top USA prescribed drugs and I considered the possibility of taking as many as I could in the hope something would happen and I wouldn't have to survive the pain of the love of my life not wanting to be with me anymore.  The only thing stopping me was I knew how disappointed my mum would be in me and I couldn't do that to her. The third time was maybe 6 weeks ago, again when the pain of the break up got too much. I found out that some of my friends had been hanging out with Aric (nothing nefarious was happening) and there were 2 events coming up that I was invited to and really wanted to go to but felt like I couldn't because he was going, and I built these things up in my head as the worst thing in the world and took everything very personally and felt like I was losing everything and everyone.  I was walking home over a bridge and I had to walk next to the cars because I was worried if I walked too close to the bridge I would go over it. 

I'm the kind of person who wears my heart on my sleeve. I find it very hard to pretend everything is fine and hunkydory when I don't feel that way.  The same when I am happy - the whole world knows about it, probably to the point I am actually a little bit annoying.  This works both to my benefit and my detriment - when I 'm in a bad mood I'm horrible to be around and I know there's been times when housemates have had to put up with me in a foul mood and have probably wondered what was wrong and I just haven't been very pleasant to be around.  But, with close friends, I am more open about what's wrong, and I think that's a good thing to show vulnerability and show that not everything is sunshine and roses all the time - maybe if more people were open and honest about what they were feeling, there would be less pressure on others to pretend they're happy when they're not, and suffer alone.

Mental health is like physical health.  You need to look after it and treat your brain well.  I've been reading heaps of books and listening to podcasts about mental health and it's refreshing and freeing the amount of people who talk about their struggles - people who come across like they've got their shit together and are super happy and you find out they're struggling like you are.  It does help a bit to know others experience similar to you.  Things have definitely changed the last few years regards stigma with mental health issues, I guess that's why I am writing this too - one, for myself, because I find it therapeutic to write about my experiences, and two, for anyone reading this, maybe it helps?  I hope it doesn't come across as narcissistic or a cry for help and I don't want anyone being scared or feeling sorry for me. 

Things are starting to feel slightly less grey.  Slowly I am having fewer grey moments and more sunny moments.  I try and get lost in things like bingewatching TV, drawing, reading, socialising.  I'd love to be one of those people that gets lost in exercise but sadly for my tummy, I am not that type of person.  I'm writing lists of things that make me happy so I can emblaze those things on my brain, so when I do feel down I can immerse myself in the things that make me happy as a way to combat the grey.  I've bought a one way ticket to go back to the UK for a bit and I have handed in my notice and put my room up for rent.  I'm anxious about going back home - I need to make it worthwhile, I can't just go live with my parents for 4 months as that will be a huge waste of time - I have the opportunity to go on a big adventure, so I just need to hold myself accountable and make that happen.  I'm also anxious that if I am on a big adventure, I will most likely be travelling alone, and being alone is one of the triggers of the grey coming back - too much of my own company gets me antsy and paranoid, I am a social creature at heart and I need to fill my social bucket for my mental wellbeing.  So I will need to connect with people, but I am also shy, therein lies the dilemma.  I guess I just need to reassure myself that I always managed to make friends in New Zealand when travelling and I can do it again.  I have been doing a self hypnotism course the last 4 weeks.  Whilst I haven't learnt to hypnotise myself yet, they did teach me an affirmation which I quite liked:

Every day, in every way, I feel better and better.