End of year roundup

I thought I had an entire year to update on, but I forgot I did a post back in July - to be honest not much has changed since then.  It's currently 10am on one of the most beautiful weather days we have had in ages, but I can't enjoy it fully as I'm laid up with a sore throat, achey body and cough - annoying timing! I've been beating my body the last few months so I guess it's to be expected - my first proper break in a long time and my body's like nah- enforced rest, lie in bed all day.  So where did we last get to...

 

I went back home for August, which was an....interesting....experience. I never quite feel like I belong now - the UK doesn't feel like home, but it used to be home, so it's not like a holiday because you're stepping back into a life you used to live but it's moved on without you, just as you've moved on without it.  It costs so much money and takes so much time to go back that it should be a holiday, but it just isn't - there's nothing new and exciting to experience, and you're imposing yourself on someone's daily life and they're not on holiday, so there's a disconnect.  My main takeaway from the time away was if I go back next time, I need to try make it more into a holiday, not stay with family or friends for an extended period, and that New Zealand and the life I have built here definitely feels home now.  

We spent the first week back catching up with cousins I haven't seen since they were little kids, away in Gloucester for my birthday, then I headed to Suffolk to see Amy Cesca and Sepha which was wonderful if a little overwhelming being the only child free single person, then off to Bristol (and randomly Tenby!) to catch up with Bex Mark and Lisa.  

I headed back to New Zealand and to be honest I haven't done anything that exciting since, mostly because the trip back took up a lot of money and annual leave leaving me a bit restricted for time and money back here. 

I managed a long weekend away in Nelson staying with Shanyn and Gina where my biking improved dramatically - we rode every day and they were so encouraging/bullying and made me go down stuff that I've been scared of for ages - steep corners!! And something just clicked, I now can do stuff I would usually walk down and it's made me so happy!! The last few months have been filled with biking and biking buddies - I've been biking at Wanaka, Mt Hutt, Hanmer, Nelson, Craigieburn and new tracks in the Port Hills - it's been pretty epic and my fitness and technical skills have improved a lot.  It's made me realise so much of it is in my head - I'm scared of the possibility of falling (not actually falling, as I still haven't had a big big crash! Closest I got was in Halswell with Topher and I slipped down a bank and came off).  I've got a nice biking crew now which is nice, though it's often me driving the trips which makes me feel like a nag - it would be great to have more friends who are organisers!  Strava does a reminder thing and it reminded me that in Oct 22 I went riding at Halswell with Emily and got very scared and didn't even like going round flat corners - the ride was 1.6km and I was shattered, and on that day it reminded me, I had just gone down a technical blue at the bike park and the ride was 22km - a bloody great improvement if you ask me.  

I went snowboarding a little bit when I got back to NZ too, and something clicked with that as well and I finally felt confident and semi competent - I even went up to the top of Mt Hutt at my suggestion and came down the blues to get to the bottom. Sadly the Hutt price has gone up loads and I just didn't get up enough this year, so I've decided not to get a season pass and instead hopefully will round up a group to have a weekend at Dobson or something. 

I've done heaps of squash - I entered the Summer tournament (and lost every single game) but my games improved as I went on - one girl beat me 15-6 3 games in a row and I played her a few weeks later and she beat me 15-13 3 games so I was stoked with that. 

I had a fun bikepack trip with the girls to Hurunui Hut - it's been on my list for a year now so I am glad I finally found people to do it with. We had the whole 15 bunk hut to ourselves which was epic, and then trekked to the hot pool after -  a natural hot pool! Bloody love this country. 

I guess if I had to pick a highlight and a low light of my year, it would probably be the same thing - my ex boyfriend. It was wonderful to feel like I was able to love again and be loved, and he revived something in me that I didn't know I was missing - I don't want to attribute too much to him but I've rediscovered my love of drum and bass,  I now have a hobby I'm in love with, he opened my mind to some other things, and I feel like I'm becoming the person I always wanted to be.  Conversely, the break up put me into a depression for a while, and I feel a bit broken inside - something's snapped and I can't summon up any enthusiasm or hope or even a want to fall in love in the future.  My sex drive is non existent.  I have been on a few dates but they've felt like chores and it feels like I've lost my ability to even find a guy attractive or sexy.  You could be reading this and saying 'ah you just went on a date with the wrong person' but it feels more than that - I think there's something fundamentally broken inside me, it's like my radio receiver for human connection is broken.  Maybe it'll fix itself with time, but for now it's like that part of me is just dead and will need something bloody massive to revive it. 

I've written some intentions for next year again as I quite enjoyed it last time. I want to get stronger, I want to do black diamonds on the bike, and I want to continue to work on my self esteem and mental health.