Looking back and going forwards

Back in 2017, I wrote (in my opinion) a really awesome post summing up 2016.  2016 was a ROCKING year.  It was all shiny and new.  Everything was an adventure.  I made some great friends and did some really cool shit.  I challenged myself a lot.

2017 was good.  Not as new, but still good.  I was messed about by a boy.  Things in my flat started to fall apart and so I moved out.  I was in a bit of a flux regards visas and jobs and had to take a job I wasn't sold on to stay in the country.  I met Aric and fell in love.  Things got quite stable.

2018 was also good, but less shiny.  I moved in with Aric, and experienced what I presume being an adult felt like.  We had a joint bank account. We did "couple" things. I was incredibly happy with our relationship.  But, our future was uncertain because of his job, which kind of hovered above us like a cloud.  And my job - well, it fucking sucked. Hated it. Had to do it for visa reasons and hated it. Ugh. It made me cry and doubt myself as a decent person.  I got residency and left as soon as I could.  I took a solo trip to Sydney and remembered that I was brave and able to travel alone.  I was meant to take a few months out and work out what I wanted to do with my life, but I got scared about being unemployed and took a job almost immediately.   The role wasn't great but the people were amazing.  I had some fun adventures with friends, but they weren't as frequent or as exciting and relaxed as they had been in 2016.  Maybe I was looking back with rose tinted glasses.  My passion for sustainability grew.  Aric decided not to continue our relationship.  In hindsight, a sensible decision, but a heartbreaking one.  I moved out.  I wasn't in a good place for a long time.

2019 has been the fallout from the last few years.  It's been a year of finding all my broken pieces and putting them back together again.  It's been a messy one.  I haven't known what direction I was going in.  I guess the direction was just forwards, because that's how time works.  I spent 6 months in a daze and in denial about my relationship being over.  Then I went to Europe for 4 months.  I guess I was running away.  It was good though.  I set up my nai_sees_green instagram after being saddened by all the litter I saw.  I did some cool shit, met some cool people, and broadened my horizons.  I spent lots of money - luckily money that I could afford to spend.  I was a basic bitch and got a tattoo to remind me of my travels.  I explored more of my home country.  I met my friend's babies - actual little humans they created.  Madness.

I anxiously returned to New Zealand, to nothing but a country I loved and friends I missed.  I managed to avoid ghosts of the past.  A good friend saved my bacon and put me up for a month.  Another good friend got me random jobs to help my travel debt - pizza truck, pizza shop, supermarket sampler.   I got rejected for some jobs.  I reached out to people and got a sustainability internship with a consultant. Lasted 2 weeks before I was asked to go down to the South Island for a 3 month contract in a comms role, all expenses paid.  Barely had to think twice, though I did feel very bad ditching the sustainability guy - though I have kept the door open.  Went to the South Island, knowing no one and not really knowing what my job was.  Feel very lonely and wondering if I made the wrong decision.

Headed back to Auckland for Christmas and travelled with a friend from home.  Slowly started to feel more 'me' again. Did a very long drive down to Christchurch to spend New Years with old friends, they took me rock climbing, on a hike, on a swim.  Felt more 'me' than I have done in a very long time.  I think I might be put back together again.

I feel calm and collected and like I am heading in a direction now. I know what I want out of life. I want a job I enjoy, I want a house to call my own, and friends to invite round for boardgames and drinks.  I want a pet to make the house a home.  I want to nourish my hobbies and get relatively average at somthing, rather than trying something once and stopping because I am not good at it. I want to find someone I love and can share my life with. But if I don't do the last bit - that's ok. I don't mind being single. For all of the above, I don't need a guy to make me happy - I just need me and my mental health to be OK.

So I reckon 2020 is all about building the life that I want to lead.  Earn money, get a nice job, surround myself with wonderful people who build me up and energise me. Buy a house, settle somewhere.  It may take longer than 2020 as life likes to throw curve balls, but at least I have something to aim for.

Happy new year :)

Comments

  1. Happy New Year and I hope 2020 is a good one for you!

    Cath in Aus.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Happy New year, just make sure the pet is a cat �� dogs are a tie!

    ReplyDelete

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