Tuesday Blues

I've had a funny old week.  It was my first week of unemployment as my contract finished.  I was definitely ready to leave, and I already felt like I'd said my goodbyes at the end of last year, so it was a little bit weird coming back just for three weeks to write one newsletter and tie up some loose ends - though it was a sound financial decision at least. 

People have spent the last few months asking 'what's next' and 'how's the job hunt going' and I now HATE that question.  The last few months of work were so busy that I literally couldn't think of anything else, let alone job hunt, and I genuinely don't understand how others managed to get jobs so quickly.  But I have always been one for struggling to let go of things and move on, so maybe that's part of it.  

Anyway, so I finished up jobless and to be honest, really quite looking forward to the break (despite the fact I had literally just had three weeks off over Christmas).  I had all these plans - each day I was going to go to the gym, then go the library and research jobs and companies for a few hours, then spend a few hours upskilling myself by doing some online learning, then I was going to come home and do some embroidery as I've neglected that for the last wee while.

Instead, I ended up rundown and a little bit sick.  Sunday was spent avoiding people in case I had any germs (I don't want to say the C word but these days you can't be too careful eh) and Monday much the same.  By Tuesday I felt so stressed out that I hadn't done anything productive and I was feeling down and negative and I was totally over the week already.  I then got rejected for what felt like the millionth time on a dating app.  In reality only the third time (this time round anyways), but honestly what the hell is wrong with people? I was talking to this one guy for over a month and tried to meet up with him three separate times, each time he came up with a reasonably valid excuse so I let him off, but then when I finally moved to Christchurch and was living down the road from him, he just stopped talking to me.  He was the one always initiating conversation so it's not like I was being creepy and chasing after him.  The next guy bailed on me the morning of our date but with a valid excuse, but also never spoke to me again to rearrange,  then the latest guy invited me out for a drink then cancelled the very next day because he had to work.  These rejections, combined with some job application rejections and the fact that I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to actually relaxing and living in the moment and not freaking out about the future, put me in a very bad head space indeed and I was in a bit of a funk.  I mostly do not mind being single, and if all my friends were single and being with someone wasn't much of a thing, then I probably wouldn't even try and date anyone - I'm happy with my own company and doing my own thing the majority of the time.  But when I look around and literally everyone else is paired up and in this little love bubble, it makes me feel very frickin lonely and like I don't fit into society because I haven't managed to get myself my own little love bubble with someone. Even Donald fucking Trump has a wife and he's the most despicable person on the planet.   And I know you shouldn't compare yourself to other people, but it is hard not to, especially when society is geared toward couples and marriage and family units. 

Anyway that was a bit of an unexpected rant.  Since then, I've started an online course which I'm quite enjoying but need to finish ASAP within the free trial otherwise I'll have to pay for it and it's not worth that much; I've 85% managed to secure a new job (I'll write more about that later in case I jinx it and it doesn't come to fruition) and I've had another lady call me up this morning about a potential opportunity in a few weeks - and she heard about me from the recommendation of two others - so that's boosted my confidence a wee bit.  I do feel like a bit of a fraud at work though.  People think I am awesome, but I REALLY do not feel awesome - I just turn up and do my job.  I think it's because I'm quite funny at work and get on with everyone and make people laugh and somehow that convinces them that I'm good at my job and know what I'm doing. I literally have NO IDEA what I am doing half the time.  Like I could barely describe to you what I've been doing this past year.  I reckon the bar is really bloody low and because I turn up on time and get some stuff done it's magical. 

I've really changed in the last year.  I think I mentioned this in the last blog post but I get socially tired really easily these days, and need to spend time on my own.  It actually kind of freaks me out how much I need my own space these days - it's a total 180 to how I used to be.  I'm living with Sam and Dan at the moment and it is awesome - I couldn't ask for better housemates, but I also find I don't get anything done now - when I was alone I was far more productive as I had no distractions but now there's always someone to talk to and it's my default to hang out with people rather than go lock myself away.  They're both out at the moment and it's lovely having the house to myself and there's literally no way I'd be writing a blog if they were here right now.  

Just realised I skipped right to this week and not what else happened in January.  To be honest not that much actually happened, but I did have a cool few days in Punakaiki after New Years.  I spent a day or two in Dunedin, got bored of being alone and came back to Christchurch then joined Sam, Dan and my friend Ricki in Punakaiki.  I have been there a few times, but always just driving through it on the way to somewhere 'better' - but my God it's beautiful and well worth stopping.  We camped and did some stunning walks - the area just feels so Jurassic and you can imagine a Pteradactyl just sweeping down at any point and picking you up.  In the mornings the steam rises from the black tea rivers, overlooked by karst cliffs with all variety of green bush hanging from them.  It is truly epic.  Ok that's January over with!

Lu and her partner are in town after sailing down from the Bay of Islands where I last saw them.  Today we did an incredible hike - probably the best free thing I've done in New Zealand ever.  I'm going to try and write about it like I'm doing a GCSE English exam because I think it'll be fun - though you can be the judge of that:

Anticipating the cold, we entered the large cave mouth already wincing at the water temperature - which in reality really wasn't that bad.    We plunged into a large pool at the exit of the cave - if the pool is above your torso then you know it's too deep and shouldn't continue.  Luckily for us, it came up to our belly buttons, so we continued onward, turning on our head torches as we left the natural light behind us.  The cave quickly narrows, instead growing tall, and the claustrophobia I was worried I'd experience does not eventuate.  

Navigation is easy - go in the opposite direction of the rushing water that's pushing against your ankles, at times up to your waist.  The cave walls are smooth, worn away from thousands of years of erosion, and we are reminded of the ferocity of mother earth when we catch glimpses of worn away holes above our heads, filled with precariously balanced rocks stuck from previous floods. At times it is easy to imagine you're inside Papatūānuku - the rushing water her blood pulsing through her arteries, the strange gurgling noises her belly.  At other times, it feels like you're in a theme park - your headtorch catches glistening rock above you, the scoured cave walls creating perfect hand holds to steady you, the picture perfect waterfalls and bubbling eddies a feature of some hidden man-made pump.  

For the most part, the going is easy and you can meander on up the stream, marvelling at the rock formations above you, following the twists and turns the water has carved through the limestone. At parts, you need to haul yourself up small gushing waterfalls - not an easy feat when you're my height and the water has smoothed the rock bed to create nature's perfect waterslide.  

But, we made it.  Almost over too soon - suddenly the roar of the water gets louder as a stream of light comes into view.  A thick lip of white limestone is illuminated and provides one final waterfall to ascend - a perfect overflowing cup of the clearest, smoothest water.  This is easy to climb up on to, giving you access to some iron rungs up the side of the cave wall which take you above ground, then some final slithering along some deeply uncomfortable pitted and slimy rocks before you can stand up and stretch in the warmth of the sunlight.

It was a really awesome experience - and one that continues to make me believe that New Zealand is just a huge man made theme park.  Anyone who comes to visit me in Christchurch will be taken to do it immediately!  Though I do recommend wetsuit booties - mine have a great rubber grip on the bottom, and are warm, flexible and dry quickly unlike trainers or hiking boots. 

Ok that's enough GCSE English from me - next week I'm heading down to Te Anau to do the Kepler Track - I'm hoping I'm fit enough as I haven't walked with a pack for a wee while and when I did the 2.5hour hike with a pack on at New Years I found it a bit tiring - eek! Wish me luck!