We need to talk
"We need to talk". Those 4 ominous words that you never want to hear from your partner, that fill you with dread in the pit of your stomach and make your hands sweat.
Aric broke up with me on December 4th. I felt like my life had ended. I cried - howled - for 7 hours straight, with an hour of sleep in between. The sleep was peaceful, and when I woke up, reality hit me that we weren't going to be together anymore, I wasn't going to live in this house anymore, I wasn't going to go to America with him, we weren't going to get married, his parents wouldn't become my family, I wasn't going to go to Beirut with him, I wasn't going to have kids with him, or a house, or a dog, or a cat, he wasn't going to be in my life any more. I howled again, and considered raiding his medicine cabinet for whatever pills he had so that I could sleep and never wake up and deal with this pain again.
I didn't do that - instead I texted my friends, and went to work, all puffy eyed and red faced, and soaked in the comfort of my colleagues and friends.
I suffered my first panic attack. I was packing up my stuff in his house and got so overwhelmed by it all. I started to shake and couldn't stop. I collapsed at the top of the stairs as I was scared I was going to fall down, and I felt dizzy. My face started to tingle with pins and needles and I couldn't breathe. He calmed me down and sat me on the sofa and held my hand until I felt normal again.
I haven't been able to eat properly for 6 weeks. It's done wonders for weightloss, but the only things I have been managing to eat are sweet things, which isn't great fuel for my body. My sweat has also started to smell disgusting. I googled this, and apparently when you sweat from stress, it comes from different glands compared to exercise sweat. The bacteria prefer sweat from stress glands, which make you smell worse. I also wasn't able to sleep. I was waking up every day at 4am on the dot and not being able to get back to sleep. Luckily this has stopped now, and my sweat is getting back to normal. I am also starting to feel hungry again.
Slowly but surely I am feeling more normal. My friends and family and colleagues have been incredible. Mostly people have been saying the right things. I don't want to hear 'you're better off without him', 'he's a dick', 'you'll find someone else'. None of these things help - I am not better off without him (nor am I better with him), he isn't a dick (he just isn't ready to make a commitment, and has legitimate worries about the future - I am not making excuses for him, and I am still very hurt he doesn't want to make things work, but I understand where he is coming from), and yes, whilst I will find someone else, that doesn't help right now when I still love the one I want to be with and felt so sure about and was convinced I would grow old with.
But - most people haven't said these things. Most people have said 'time is a great healer', 'nothing that I will say will make the pain any less, but know I have been through it and have come out the other side stronger and you will too' and 'i love you', 'be kind to yourself'. Everyone is different, but I have found these things very helpful in my path to getting through this. I have especially been beating myself up over how terrible I have felt. This is truly the worst thing I have ever gone through - worse than my parents breaking up or any other break up. I felt like my world had ended and I didn't want to carry on anymore. The future I had been slowly warming myself up to and a few months ago, in my head, committed to, was suddenly ripped away with no warning. It was hard to comprehend, but in the end, it was another break up - I have been through many before, and I felt guilty and pathetic and weak at feeling so devastated by it and being knocked to the ground by it. But people have been kind and given me the time I need to grieve, and lent me their ears for when I want to talk about it, and let me know they care about me. It's been wonderful and a sunlight in the darkness of grief. It's kept me from losing myself.
So if you're reading this and you're one of the people who have helped - thank you from the very bottom of my heart. I really, truly appreciate everything - even the simplest act of giving me your attention when I needed it helped more than you could ever know.
I know I am not through it yet - after all, time is a great healer, but finally, I am feeling more human, and a little bit less broken. I know it'll get hard again and it probably won't get easier for a while yet, but I am writing this now so I can look back on it and realise that once upon a time, it was truly terrible, but over time it did get better - and so if it gets worse again, I know it'll eventually be OK.
Aric broke up with me on December 4th. I felt like my life had ended. I cried - howled - for 7 hours straight, with an hour of sleep in between. The sleep was peaceful, and when I woke up, reality hit me that we weren't going to be together anymore, I wasn't going to live in this house anymore, I wasn't going to go to America with him, we weren't going to get married, his parents wouldn't become my family, I wasn't going to go to Beirut with him, I wasn't going to have kids with him, or a house, or a dog, or a cat, he wasn't going to be in my life any more. I howled again, and considered raiding his medicine cabinet for whatever pills he had so that I could sleep and never wake up and deal with this pain again.
I didn't do that - instead I texted my friends, and went to work, all puffy eyed and red faced, and soaked in the comfort of my colleagues and friends.
I suffered my first panic attack. I was packing up my stuff in his house and got so overwhelmed by it all. I started to shake and couldn't stop. I collapsed at the top of the stairs as I was scared I was going to fall down, and I felt dizzy. My face started to tingle with pins and needles and I couldn't breathe. He calmed me down and sat me on the sofa and held my hand until I felt normal again.
I haven't been able to eat properly for 6 weeks. It's done wonders for weightloss, but the only things I have been managing to eat are sweet things, which isn't great fuel for my body. My sweat has also started to smell disgusting. I googled this, and apparently when you sweat from stress, it comes from different glands compared to exercise sweat. The bacteria prefer sweat from stress glands, which make you smell worse. I also wasn't able to sleep. I was waking up every day at 4am on the dot and not being able to get back to sleep. Luckily this has stopped now, and my sweat is getting back to normal. I am also starting to feel hungry again.
Slowly but surely I am feeling more normal. My friends and family and colleagues have been incredible. Mostly people have been saying the right things. I don't want to hear 'you're better off without him', 'he's a dick', 'you'll find someone else'. None of these things help - I am not better off without him (nor am I better with him), he isn't a dick (he just isn't ready to make a commitment, and has legitimate worries about the future - I am not making excuses for him, and I am still very hurt he doesn't want to make things work, but I understand where he is coming from), and yes, whilst I will find someone else, that doesn't help right now when I still love the one I want to be with and felt so sure about and was convinced I would grow old with.
But - most people haven't said these things. Most people have said 'time is a great healer', 'nothing that I will say will make the pain any less, but know I have been through it and have come out the other side stronger and you will too' and 'i love you', 'be kind to yourself'. Everyone is different, but I have found these things very helpful in my path to getting through this. I have especially been beating myself up over how terrible I have felt. This is truly the worst thing I have ever gone through - worse than my parents breaking up or any other break up. I felt like my world had ended and I didn't want to carry on anymore. The future I had been slowly warming myself up to and a few months ago, in my head, committed to, was suddenly ripped away with no warning. It was hard to comprehend, but in the end, it was another break up - I have been through many before, and I felt guilty and pathetic and weak at feeling so devastated by it and being knocked to the ground by it. But people have been kind and given me the time I need to grieve, and lent me their ears for when I want to talk about it, and let me know they care about me. It's been wonderful and a sunlight in the darkness of grief. It's kept me from losing myself.
So if you're reading this and you're one of the people who have helped - thank you from the very bottom of my heart. I really, truly appreciate everything - even the simplest act of giving me your attention when I needed it helped more than you could ever know.
I know I am not through it yet - after all, time is a great healer, but finally, I am feeling more human, and a little bit less broken. I know it'll get hard again and it probably won't get easier for a while yet, but I am writing this now so I can look back on it and realise that once upon a time, it was truly terrible, but over time it did get better - and so if it gets worse again, I know it'll eventually be OK.
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