What is home, anyway?


I feel like I am living my life in a perpetual state of limbo.  Pretty much since I graduated from uni in fact. 10 years ago.  I moved back in with my family for 2 years, which I knew wasn’t permanent, then moved to London into rented accommodation for 6 years  - the same house but an ever revolving door of new housemates.  I couldn’t afford to buy anywhere, and if I could I wouldn’t know where to live anyway – I didn’t want to live in London forever and for me it’s important to place my roots somewhere I have friends around – for me, friends make an area feel like home.  Then I moved to New Zealand with no real plans, decided I wanted to stay, had to apply and wait for visas, not knowing if I would be sent back to the UK which was a very weird feeling – not knowing if a country would let you stay there or not.  But luckily New Zealand decided it wanted me after all and granted me residency.  Now I have managed to fall in love with a boy who’s job it is to travel the world.  He has roots – he’s happy with his home country (America) and has his roots there – friends, family, culture, he loves it.  If anything were to happen to his job, he’d go back to America and start again there.  I don’t really have any roots.  Maybe I’m more of a succulent who grows from cuttings wherever I get placed.  My home country doesn’t really appeal to me to return to, even if I did, I don’t know where I would go as my friends have spread far and wide.  For now, to me, the boy is home – but also maybe I feel like that because I am in New Zealand, which also feels like home.  Mum’s always commented on my use of the word ‘home’.  I use it interchangeably to mean my current place of living – whether that’s a hotel, a hostel, a campsite, my university digs, my family home or my rented home.  Maybe this is a good thing and shows I am adaptable, or maybe I am just lazy (Aric also comments on how I call everything ‘thingy’ whether it’s an object, a place, a person).  I suspect maybe it’s laziness.

Some of Aric’s colleagues are currently packing up to finish their 2 year tour in New Zealand, furiously completing their last bucket list items and making sure everything gets packed up and sent back to the USA.  It’s making it all the more real how that’ll be him in June next year – I’ll be finding somewhere else to live in shared accommodation, he’ll be preparing for a year in DC for intense training for his Beirut tour.   We’ll be apart for months at a time.  I don’t know what the future holds really.  I feel frustrated.  I feel like I can’t commit to anything – I can’t commit to a job because I want lots of time off to be able to visit Aric in America.  I can’t commit to any big purchases because I may not have a job because of point number one, or even have proper house to store them in, or any means to ship them to our new house in Beirut.  I can’t commit to a career as I don’t know where I will be in a few years time.  Sometimes I feel like I can’t commit to investing in new friendships because I might not be around for long.  Part of me enjoys all this lack of commitment as it means I don’t need to make decisions and have any responsibilities, but the other half is wrestling with being a responsible adult and making decisions to make my future work for me.  Like an Angel and a Devil on my shoulders.  I feel like there is probably more I could be doing to ensure I have a fulfilling professional life whilst also still being a ‘trailing spouse’.  I just haven’t quite worked it out yet.  Advice welcomed.

Comments

  1. For each decision, write pros at the top of the page on the left, and cons on the top of the page, on the right. Run a line down the middle. Brainstorm.

    I don’t know how long he is going to be in Beirut, but the Lebanese I lived next door to in Sydney were great.

    My husband and I grew up in different states. We spent the first half of the marriage, to date, in his state, then the second half, more or less, in mine.
    All the best, Cath

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    Replies
    1. Thank you. I think I have decided I probably will follow him - if I need to make any commitments then the first one will be to him (that's assuming we cope with long distance and in 2 years time we're both still as happy with each other as we are now - who knows what'll happen in 2 years!!)

      It's more I don't know what to do with my life and I am getting frustrated with not being able to commit to anything because I may not be here for long. If I follow him, being dependent on another person doesn't sit right with me, I try and be as independent (financially at least) as possible and take pride in it. But following him round the world, whilst it has its huge pros, means having a 'career' will be hard and my CV will look patchy. I guess that's not the be all and end all. I'd love to find something that works in any country I go to - ideally something remote I guess. It's funny, I re-read my post just now and thought 'man, what a drama queen' as today I am feeling all relaxed about the future and c'est la vie about it all. I flip flop between very casual and intense panic!

      Delete
  2. Strongly advise you try my top suggestion, always worked for all our big decisions.

    Aus is a good place to live, haha.

    Kind regards Cath

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  3. I feel for you as I do like plans! But you and I are very different. On a side note, the grammatical error jumped off the page at me, so though my post is anonymous, you know exactly who wrote it ;)

    ReplyDelete

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